Adelaide Student Politics

An editted version of this appears in the second issue of On Dit 2009. What follows is the original, which mysteriously appeared in my inbox the other day. Enjoy.

Dear New Student,

Welcome to the University of Adelaide. We trust you enjoyed our annual O-Week festivities and are now settling in to your new academic home. We are, of course, extremely glad to have you here at the University of Adelaide. But it is important to lay a few ground rules we suggest you follow if you wish to remain at this fine institution. Firstly, plagiarism is banned at this university, as is using Wikipedia as a research tool. Students who are tempted to commit either of these heinous crimes should know that the rights to plagiarise and use Wikipedia are reserved exclusively for university vice-chancellors, such as my esteemed colleague, Ian O’Connor, at Griffith University. Ian managed not only to plagiarise in an essay, but to do so from Wikipedia – and good luck to him, I say! Students, however, should know that similar behaviour will see them expelled. [N.B: This is actually true. Look it up] Secondly, never, I repeat never refer to the University of Adelaide as Adelaide University, or, God forbid, Adelaide Uni. You will bring our esteemed sandstone establishment into disrepute – and perhaps endanger our dubious membership in the Group of 8.

We trust you will appreciate the wonderful facilities the University provides. However, you should know that the best building, the Mitchell Building, is strictly reserved for me and my faceless administration team. Nonetheless, don’t be depressed. You will no doubt grow to cherish the prison-cell chic of architectural wonders such as the Napier Building - and you may get to see the inside of the Mitchell Building if you are ever bored enough to put your name down for a University tour.

A great portion of University life happens outside the classroom. At the University of Adelaide, we pride ourselves on having a healthy and vibrant campus culture. We encourage all students to get involved in the social side of university life. However, we believe this is best gone about in an apolitical fashion. University is a formative time in young people’s lives. You are still growing, both physically and emotionally. Thus, it is best to avoid the nasty world of politics until a later stage of life, when you can weigh up your political options in a more even-handed, level-headed, and hopefully right-wing fashion. Demonstrations and activism at university is therefore discouraged. Also, although we do enjoy boasting about our campus culture, we do not actually wish to spend much money on supporting it. We therefore encourage you to ensure your campus life is fulfilling but frugal, or if this is not possible, self-funded. In this regard, I find that a quiet chat by the Torrens is often just as fun but much less expensive and intrusive than a party on the Barr Smith Lawns. Similarly, sporting club involvement does not need to come at a cost to the university. If, for example, football is your passion, I recommend slaughtering a feral cat and fashioning a ball out of the animal’s bladder. This is surprisingly simple, even if it comes at a slight risk of disease. Goal posts can also be easily constructed out of empty toilet rolls and sticky tape.

And so, it is with much excitement that I wish you a fruitful, enjoyable and obedient stay at our wonderful University.

Yours sincerely,
Prof James McWha
University of Adelaide
Vice-Chancellor

*Covering our asses (Because we are wimps after all):
The above was not actually written by this man, but rather by one of On Dit's notorious Local Issues sub-eds, Patrick McCabe.