Adelaide Student Politics

Posted April 15th

Celebrant: Ash Brook

Dearly beloved impoverished students

We are gathered here today in the sight of our loved ones and Rudd almighty to witness the short-lived, convenient and in no way holy joining of our friends NAME and NAME.

NAME and NAME have made the decision to live slightly closer to the poverty line than they have previously, and to spend their student lives trying to eat more than mi goreng for every meal. If they are faithful and true then their lives may be blessed by the introduction of money for textbooks and bus tickets, and, if they be truly lucky, money for beer and cigarettes also.

I have known the couple in front of you for many minutes now, and I can tell you that they are sincere in their desire to be considered independent for the purpose of claiming centrelink support, and they are before you now to make that desire public knowledge, and furthermore they desire that those of you here today who think as they do will make their voices heard and their need for a lower age of independence known far and wide. Those of us here today can see the passion NAME and NAME have for this cause, and their greatest wish is that all students who feel as they do have the courage to stand up and join in convenient matrimony and make their passion known throughout all the centrelink offices and houses of parliament in the land.

Before we read the vows, I ask you all in the presence of **** if any reason exists for NAME and NAME not to be joined in fake marriage today. If such a reason exists, please share it with us now.

As no such reason can be found to prevent this farce, I will now ask the bride and groom to face each other for the vows they will make as their pledge to each other.

NAME – Do you take this person NAME, to be your (wife/husband) (Response)

Do you promise before Rudd and these witnesses that you will be a true and faithful student, that you will use your new legal status only for the purpose of rorting an unfair system, for affording food and textbooks, and for protesting against the systems that make this ceremony necessary? (Response)

Do you promise to stay by them in the good times and the bad, for the too-large phone bill and the unexpected happy hour at the pub, for the fifty dollars from grandma and the overdue rent? (Response)

And do you NAME, take this person NAME, to be you (husband/wife) (Response)

Do you promise before Rudd and these witnesses here that you will be a true and faithful student, that you will use your new legal status only for the purpose of rorting an unfair system, for affording food and textbooks, and for protesting against the systems that make this ceremony necessary? (Response)

Do you promise to stay by them in the good times and the bad, for the late nights finishing an essay after working crap hours to pay for petrol, for the five dollars found on the banks of the torrens, for the microwaved rice and soy sauce dinners three nights in a row waiting for pay day? (Response)

Let no one here doubt the sincerity of these two young people, who have made their vows and shall go from this day forth joined in legal obscurity.

NAME and NAME, by the power invested in me by the AUU and SRC about five minutes ago, I now pronounce you independent. Congratulations, you may claim youth allowance.